you, me and the bottom line

you can't see it, but somehow, it exist.

we can make it disappear.

but well,

you choose not to. so do i.

so it's clear.

year 2000, february 16th.

i always get jealous when i saw sisters having fun together.

i thought, how lucky, to have a sister. as in, sister literally, in a family.

i saw them laughing and having so much fun, exchanging clothes, sharing room, sharing everything.

but i am stupid. i have a sister.

but she had gone, for good. back when i was 5 years old. i barely remember her. STUPID ME.

i do i do i doo have a sister! how can i be so stupid, i even barely remember that I HAVE a sister!!!

what did i jealous to?

her name is fathya. and i remember one thing about her, she had already been pretty, even though she was still a baby.

oh fathya, i'm so sorry to barely forget you:( what kind of sister am i?

but you need to know, i still love you girl, with all my heart. and i always am.

oh. this is hard.

it was night. i remember i was playing in my gramma's room with my cousin when suddenly my mom came to the room and she came to me, she was burst in tears.

she was never been so much sad.

i was so confused, she told me that you're gone.

i knew i was 5 at that time, i didn't really know what's the meaning of death.

and i ran to our room, the room was crowded than ever.

then i saw something's pretty, the prettiest baby i've ever seen, just laid in the bed.

that was you.

then everything was became so blurry, i didn't remember the rest.

until, the next day.

my gramma's house became so crowded.

i believe my dad was crying.

people were doing solat for you, my dad was the imam.

then he took you somewhere, i didn't know where.

then he came back.

but not with you.

sooner i knew that you were really am gone, gone for good.

oh fathya, i'm such a bad sister to you. i knew i have a sister but i barely remember you.

16th february 2000 is your born day. that's making us, kids of maulana special cause we're all februarians:)

Allah love you so much so He called you, faster.

for me it was too fast, but i knew He know the best for you.

i really love you fathya i always will. and i will never, forget you.

cause you're gonna be, always gonna be, my little sister that i love with all my heart.

Glorious 35!

just got back from indonesia's special region with beloved 35!!!!!!

AWESOME. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT.

guyssss itu kaya baru kemaren gue sama papa gue ngeliatin daftar kelas anak baru mp 35 kelas 7 trus gue masuk 7c....

itu kaya baru kemaren bgt skrg gue udah... selesai smp...

gue ga kenal siapa siapa, trus di belakang gue ada yume, akhirnya gue main sama yume mulu trus akhirnya gue main sama yang lain juga trus anak 7c semuanya jadi best friend gue ever since.

trus gue masuk 8a, kelas paling gaul! hahaha anaknya asik2 semua seru2 solid lg, trus tererereeng gue masuk 9G, kelas paling solid sama kelas paling rame uouo sifatnya sama semua sekelas!

aaaah skrg smp udh selesaaaai!

can you believe it? cepet bgt!!!
i never have any friends like you guys, u guys are the most caring, fun, funny friends that i ever have!!

i never ever gonna forget you guys cz u guys r the best!

and i'm surely, gonna miss u all so bad:(

yes, i'm not perfect. are you happy now?

people change. i know. but i don't know that it would happen this fast.

so fast that made me

disoriented, where am i? specifically, who am i?

i dreamed too much. i expect too much.

now here i am, left.

i'm here, in the

corner watching everything goes by.

don't you realize i'm

watching? i know what happen.

people dream to be an 'insta-star' cause it would gave you the 'insta-fame' and 'insta-high social class' right? and you'll be so famous, people cares, people are always behind your back (whatever it really means-_-) and those 'reputation' thingy. it's like, instant fabulousity, isn't it?

but, i don't know bout you.

i hate to have this cheesy feeling but, gosh.

have you ever hear the word "pretending"?

well i have, and i do it. like for 3 years.

my friends told me to let this go. i know i've tried. but don't you realize? i'm still holding on to it. at least until now. i hope i could let this go, easy-peasy.

i thought i was right.

and i hope you'll be happy now.

and so, i'll find my own way to be happy :)

mutualism pretty much?

Poor castle :(

just watched castle 2 : overkill... UGHHH I'm sorry for you castleee!!

yeah! that demming is... you and kate had been working together like more than 1 year and suddenly, this guy demming came... and... BUM!

haha, i'm over this serial or what?

it's just, that scene... it seems... familiar.

gaah, never mind.

and hey! i drew a girl in tutu and she has this massive wings which has 3 diamonds, each!

i'm pretty proud with that drawing. i don't know why. hahaha

oh, btw, i guess i was OVER loud today at class. idk why did that happen too..

i'm like, very sorry.

i don't know why but sometimes, i did things, but those were actually... not me.

i was shocked i did such thing.

who am i?

you think this is odd enough? you're wrong. it's ultra odd.

gosh. there's a girl around me and she's ultra odd. do you know why?

she kept telling her self she would change, would control her emotion and stuff, but did she? no she didn't. those are just jabber-jabbers.

she thought she's posh enough. and the truth is, she's just a wanna be. she's not all that posh.

she thought she's brilliant and bright. hahah, well, it's just what she thought. there's another girl that more more brighter than her. waaaay more brighter. but she just won't admit cause she thought she's so perfect. well get real missy!

hah, and she likes a boy, she thought the boy is so amazing, well maybe, but she just won't admit that the boy isn't hers and ohhh she got it all cheesy peasy by talking about this boy, non-stop like it's sooo over whelming.

and so, she's a type that really over reacted, over think, over over over. she's so waay odd.

she can't control her face. she made those silly faces and thought that her drama is cool but HAH doesn't she get it that all the drama she've made are sooo over rated. silly dramas.

oh wait! she's me.

stop telephoning me

i don't know but doubt seems to like to follow me these days.

if doubt is a person, i would love to...

-punch him in the face

-scream that he is a trash, no one need him

-said to him that he is not belongs to anyone

-wish him all the bad luck

-said that he has no future

-bazooka him

yeah. but doubt isn't a person, it's a habit. bad bad habit.

ugh. doubt is silly personality.

it's like someone's telephoning me all the time. no end.

doubt make me feel tired and sick.

i hope one day it'll go away and never have to be in my mind anymore.

i want them to go away

post power syndrome

no, i'm not having a post power syndrome.

but i've lost my time. for something that doesn't even worthed.

yeah, i'm wasting my time to be exact. that's pretty odd.

aaaah. i don't want to waste my time anymore:(

i'm so tired... it's like, endless possibility and endless uncertainty too :| how awful.

i knew it wasn't true. but people made it harder by saying that it was true.

so i kinda believe that it's true and knowing that my heart (oh oh-_-) said no it's not true... that's ultra odd!

okay maybe you guys don't know what am i talking about but i think certain people do. if you guys are one of the 'certain' people, yes, it's about this fancy thingy-_- yeah, i know it is so out of date but ughhh it's weighing on my mind like OHHHHHH

okay so I'VE TOLD YA PEOPLE it wasn't true but WHY you guys keep telling me that it's true.

do you guys have enough facts? i mean, more facts that could prove that you guys are right? that it's true?

well maybe you guys have but ha, guess those facts couldn't compare with my facts (that prove it's not true!)

HAHA it's like a true or false game eh-_-

so though you guys told me that

"no, darin, it's true, i saw it with my own eyes, the possibility! it's so true" blah blah

yeah, but do you guys didn't have enough information like i do-_-

stalker? no, i'm just curious:p

and you guys didn't know how hurt is it when.... never mind-_-

AHHHHHHH

i always wanted to be where i am today but OH OH i never thought i feel this waaay!

it's 101% a roller coaster ride.

if i go up, whohee, best feeling, evaaa *oliver style mode*

but bang bang! when i fell down, whoa, everything is like turning around and i fell down down to the ground and find my self in wonderland (slash it's world of pretend-_-)

whoops.

don't you even notice? don't you even care? don't you even know? didn't you tired?

don't you understand? don't you see it? don't you think? don't you even guess? don't you even realize?

no you don't cause you didn't.

am i right? oh oh. who knows btw.

but...

OKAAAAAAY HOLD IT RIGHT THERE AND TURN AROUUND

ha there are LOTS and MORE things to worry about, (well, worry isn't a right word but hey._.) right right? past is like a book that had been closed and so, live for today and plan for future.

now we're talking!

a major change, and i was wrong.

"i love the spotlight so much, so i won't let it go that easy"

-Rachel Berry, Glee S2 : Audition.

gue tau gue yang salah. dan emang selalu gue yang cari masalah. gue minta maaf.

i was stupid for having that fear. but i just love myself too much. so i went so selfish.

you see, i'm really sorry.

but i think sorry won't change anything. unless i change myself.

i don't care if it would hurt me. though i've already fell.

i'll try to forget about everything that has been done in the past.

though everything i did is worthless.

i'm not being my self. it hurts. but if i do, it would hurt me even more.

and i don't care how many times i've said this, but i'm sorry. for everything i did in the past, and everything i'll do, in the future.

mon ami is the bomb.com!

so yesterday i visited a long time no see friend from my elementary. let's call her double n. haha. well, we haven't seen each others for almost 3 years... you see, things changed. she went to my elementary's high school. oh how i miss my elementary :(

btw, we talked about so many things. and i told her my secret........ and like the others (the ones that i've told the secret) she reacted the same, she told me that the secret is an absolute 'yes'. well you maybe didn't understand what am i about to say, haha sorry for that, but it's a secret so i won't tell you.... at least here, i won't. hahahaha.

moving on, and we had a really great time, i wish i had more time like that to visit my old friends.

and then i had some chats with my friends, and my junior, i promised her that i will tell her about 'the secret' so i told her yesterday. how she reacted? the same. oh i guess there's a script for anybody who knows my secret so they reacted the same. real, same i'm telling you.

i don't know is it a script or 'yes' for the secret it self-_- i don't know for sure.

hahaha. they said yes, i said no for the secret. sh, seems like i did, make my self believe with my own lies. pretty weird eh.

oh how i love my friends. they're always there for meeee :) love them. either my elementary mates or this jhs mates, they're the best.

hetty and aurora

hi folks how are youuuuuu? mine, out standing! haha who ask it anyway :p

btw, had a really great holidayyy. you know, getting lazy, watching tv with no time limits, bandung trip, having my cellphone in my hand all the time... what else man. HAHA.

i really miss my running out of paper sketch book :)

oh and btw, i finished the hetty feather novel! yaaay! it's really adventurous yet beautiful story, really. it's not a really fairytale-ish happy ending though it's very meaningful.

and that novel made me feel like i'm the luckiest girl in the whole world. i'm so grateful to have loving parents, amazing family, fun friends and friendly environment.

being a kid in 1800era isn't as easy as i thought before. i always thought that 1800 era is all about the barons and ladies, you know, the ball, dresses, all the glam... it's not like that.

i raised with disney stories, which as a kid, i read snow white, belle, yeah princesses kind of that, and that made me feel like everyone is lucky, and end up with happily ever after.

well nothing wrong with raised in disney, i'm grateful though, but after i read hetty feather, that made me realized, that some kids, out there, they're not as lucky as i am.

oh alhamdulillah for who i am right now.

i'll try to be more grateful for everything i have.

and i realized, i made a bunch of wishes of things i want from my parents. after i think again, maybe, i could get some by my self, by my own hard work!

randomly awesome

howdy folks! it's a beautiful beautiful holiday isn't it? oh! i've learned alot.

heyyy it's 6 more days before new year!

this 2010 is awesome i tell you. i've got so many things beyond my expectation! like i've got soo many things that i couldn't even dream about! gosh isn't it cool? yeah, alhamdulillah.

this 2010 changes my life. really no kidding. in this 2010 i became a timid girl no more, this 2010 taught me that dreams do come true.

so in 2011 i want to go sophomore! and how i beg for more novels! man! poorly for a book nerd like me haven't got any proper public library around! gosh! well, i'm a newly book nerd since the bsc series, but oh gosh i fell in love with books. haha see? never dreamed about being a book nerd but hello! now i am, 2010!! (?)

okay it's wickedly nonsense to dream about a library that will appear nowadays around my house. maybe...in 3 years or more, or maybe it won't appear, yeah, people like notebooks rather than books i guess. i did too. but now i LOVE them both!

i'm quite proud of being a book nerd now, hahaha cause you know what? just like the movies, if you were a book nerd and you saw your crush, your face would flattering eh? then you could always hide it behind your book :p

ooo! i pictured a scene,

it's spring, the birds singing, the orchids hanging beautifully in the trees, and i'm sitting on my own in a beautiful beautiful park...

i read a thick book about a girl and a dream.... then, a very handsome guy walks in front of me... and when i look at him, he smiled, and i just realized he's my long long classmate in high school, then i bow my head to my thick book and then he greets me, i greeted back. but now my face turns red, so i bow my head even deeper...

blablabla. so dramatically usual! hahahahahaha

no no, that is very once upon a time. isn't it? of course it is-_- cz first, where can you find a very beautiful park nowadays in indonesia? especially in my neighborhood-_-

and second, if a long long classmate from my old highshcool greeted me, i'll greeted him back in a way louder way. like i'll do "HEYAAAA! long time no see?! what have you been up to? how's your fam? etc, etc."

HAHAHAHAHA i'm not a type of timid girl, not anymore. so, that wouldn't be happen. i guess so.

OH and maybe in the next 3 months, i'll do more less on blogging and onlines. cause on jan i'll get the sakinah test and on feb i'll get the last semester test, and on march.... THE BATTLE! i mean it's national examination... it'll decide my future for real, so, i've gotta be ready! wish me luck guys, and you too, guys. and i really really majorly hope that i could be accepted in 70 shs, or insan cendikia. oh i wanted them so bad. and i'll do my best so i could get in those, i'll struggle for those.

Oh ya Allah i hope i could pass these tests! amiin:)

i've got to prepare for these yet i'm really excited (/-,-)/

i'll try. harder.

I'm sorry it had to be this way.
Believe me, it's easier just to pretend.
But, I won't apologize for who I am.

-Selena Gomez, i won't apologize

yeah ms. gomez, it's easier to pretend, well, it doesn't solve the problem but hey! at least.

i knew that there will be nothing, not even a thing that would change.

and yeah, around me, those pressures? oh yeah! those were like wind, and i was like a tree, the fragile one! it's hard to hold the ground, but that was just the first time, the first two and a half year hahaha yeah, a long time, but now i realized, i won't be like anyone else. that's not gonna be easy, i know, but, i think that would worth.

there will be more doubts and pressures, but i'll try my best.

and yeah, thanks, for everything, and nothing.

sorry for being so self-ish.

i feel so far from my self these days. dikepala gue isinya "gue, gue, gue dan semua harus buat gue"

yeah, self-ish. like, if it's not about me, i won't care! i don't know why... MAN! I REALLY DON'T! i'm sorry :(

mestinya gue mikirin perasaan orang lain juga.

mestinya gue mikirin kemauan orang lain, gue mestinya maklumin orang, gue mestinya ngehormatin yang lain juga.

i'm not alone in this world. gotta think about others too. i'm sorry.

you, me, them, and the 10 miles road.

i've got tired and upset, and i'm trying to care a little less. and on google i only get depressed.

-eliza doolittle, pack up

simple, easy listening, but deeply meaningful.

so this week i've been struggling with many things. mostly with my self.

like usual, mind vs. heart -.- pretty cheesy eh?

omg. i know i will be facing the final examination of jhs but hey! never thought i'll face self-examination too!

ohhhh ya Allah make me stronger........... amiin

eliza doolittle -back to front

If I woke up in the mornin'
And the world was back to front
There was sunshine in the evenin'
And the moon came out for lunch

I wouldn't mind walkin' backwards with you
At least we'd always know where we'd be goin' to
We could talk till we forget how to talk

And we could learn to laugh again
Like when we were children
We could learn to dance again
Like nobody is watchin'

If everyone was gettin' young
There'd be a smile on your face
If all the friends that passed away
Came back to this place

We'd be puttin' down the daisies
Drinkin' milk and feelin' lazy
There's no sense in any senses
What's the use in independence?

We could play of the tears that came
We could walk till we forget how to walk
And cool till we forget anything at all

And we would laugh again
Like when we were children
We could learn to dance again
Like nobody is watchin'

We could learn to look right
Into each others eyes
'Cause we got nothin' to hide

We got nothin' but to laugh again
Like when we were children
Like when we were children

Back to front, front to back
Will you come backwards with me
Backwards with me?

Front to back, back to front
Will you come backwards with me
Backwards with me?

We could learn to laugh again
Like when we were children
We could learn to dance again
Like nobody is watchin'

We could learn to laugh again
Like when we were children
We could learn to smile again
Like nobody is watchin'

Backwards with me

do you know what i feel?

inspiration : girlfriend indonesia magz Nov. edt.

so i drew this because i really love the photograph, mean like dude! love the blouse, skirt, and the braid? major cool!

and the pose is some kind of expressing tiredom? yeah, so that's what i feel now. ha-ha.

i'm gonna tell you a secret.

so here it goes..............................................

i have a feeling i and i've been hiding this since like the seventh grade? ha-ha.

yeah, it's been a long time. i'm so tired of holding this cz i don't even know when do i have to reveal it?

cz idk why, but there's a voice keep telling me that i should just keep it, i should hide it.

idk, inspired by this photograph, so i drew this expressing tiredom. ha-ha

just a dream?

okay, so i dreamed about this. and when i woke up, i realized that this was just a dream -_-

me : if someone (me!) tell you the truth, would you be mad?

him : no, not at all.

oh, i hope that's true :(

it's yes, it's no. oh! it's i don't know._.

hello it's darina's random thought here!

you know what? these day she feels some kind of confuse..

i tell u why. she's so confuse because of she has a fear.

and she's been hiding this fear since... that day. the 7th grade examination day.

she realized something different.

well, she'd told some few friend about this...

and all of her friends told her to just be brave...

but she doesn't know why, she have tried (a lot) but when she's about to do it...

all of her guts just like PUFF! all lost!

she doesn't know what to do, she want to follow her heart, but the voice inside her head just louder than her heart...

i wish she could pass this fear... it's almost been 3 years!

let's hope she can beat it!

guess so, guess not, idk. oh so random!

hey folks! still midtest test week. wish me luck. wish you luck. wish everyone luck.

okay. so guess it's official for We Are Nine Glory/G ; warning. yeah! go warning2011!

btw,

i passed my fear to try chili on my food.

i passed my fear to talk in front of class, and from a lot of people

i passed my fear to ride roller coaster.

could i pass my fear, so i can be his best friend?